Ghosts That We knew
by G4LL0WSC4LL1BR4T0R
Summary: Trigger warnings: Self-harm, major character death, sexual orientation-based slurrs. Dave Strider can't fight them anymore. They're right about everything. So he begins to take it out on himself. Based off of this fancomic: necrohomocon dot tumblr dot com/post/42654942292/dave-i-had-no-idea-im-so-sorr y/
1. Falling

AN: I said this in the description, but this story deals with some pretty serious issues in a pretty focused way. PLEASE consider your well-being before you read this. I really don't want someone hurting themselves over this. That being said, I am always here to help and talk to people if needed. I've been through this myself, and I will always listen. You can message me here or on my Tumblr; superwholockorgy dot tumblr dot com.

* * *

Dave Strider's trembling hands fumbled for the lock on the bathroom door, pushing it closed. His knees gave out and his shoulders slumped forward. His whole body shook with silent sobs, tears pouring down his cheeks. He felt weak, lost, scared, so alone….

"Faggot." They'd called him. "Albino. Pussy." Every day. Every time they saw him. And today had been worse. They'd pushed him into the lockers. They'd locked him in the bathroom stalls. They'd dumped his books out of his arms. "Faggot. Albino. Pussy." And the whole time Dave had to keep his mask of neutrality on. He couldn't let them see how scared he was. Just take it, he'd thought, and they'll go away. But they didn't.

So now Dave was there is his bathroom, crying where nobody could see him. God, was this pathetic or what?

The longer Dave waited, crying alone, the more doubt pushed at the edges of his mind. _They might be right. _It sung. _Faggot. Albino. Pussy. _It couldn't be true. It couldn't. _You waste of space. Nobody cares._ He had John, Jade, Rose. They cared. _Only because they don't know the real you. _He had bro. Bro, who'd looked after him since he was a kid. Bro, who'd taught him everything he'd known. _He had no choice. He never wanted this. Nobody wants you._

Dave found his feet, pushing himself up off the floor to look in the mirror.

Faggot.

He pushed up his sleeve, then reached into bro's drawer under the sink.

Albino.

His fingers brushed the cold metal razor and he pulled it out, turning it carefully in his fingers.

Pussy.

His hand steadied as he brought the blade against his skin. Again and again, until his wrist was covered in cuts.

Waste of space.

He dropped the blade into the sink, staring at pearls of red oozing out of his veins. Everything seemed suspended in time as he watched the blood drip into the sink.

The sudden sound of the front door opening and slamming shut jolted Dave out of his trance, and a quiet curse fell from his lips. He turned on the sink quickly, running the cool water over the cuts and the blade and then grabbed a large band-aid from under the sink. He slapped it on quickly, shoved the razor into his back pocket, and pulled down his sleeves again. He splashed his face a couple times before shoving his sunglasses onto his face and shutting off the water.

"Dave?" Bro's voice called out through the house.

"One sec!" Dave called back checking the mirror one last time before he pulled the door open. "'Sup?"

His brother was standing in the kitchen, trying to find space in the fridge to put the milk he'd just bought. "Just wondering if you were home. Your shit was in the living room, so I didn't know if you just dropped it and ditched or something." He explained. "Also, do you wanna have a quick strife before dinner?"

Dave had wandered into the living room to grab his backpack and peered in the doorway again. "Nah, I got homework and shit to do." He lied. "I'll be down for dinner."

He didn't wait for his brother's response before he sped up to his room. He dropped his bag on his desk chair and collapsed into his bed. He always hated lying to his brother, but how could he explain this? He was too weak to stand up to the assholes at school, so he took it out on himself?

He pulled the razor carefully out of his pocket and shoved it into his bedside table drawer. When he would look back at this moment later on, it was a terrible idea. He should've just gotten rid of it right then and forgot about the whole thing. But, of course, that wasn't the case. And with that one lapse of judgment, he unknowingly started on of the worst chapters of his life.

ΔΔΔ

Hell didn't ensue all at once, of course. It built upon itself for weeks until Dave Strider returned to the comfort the razor through his skin brought him. Then it was again put away for some time before another use. Gradually, the time between each instance decreased, as the depth and number of cuts increased with each use. One day, Dave smuggled a box cutter home from art class to use as well. Eventually, a pocket knife was added to the bedside table's drawer.

He pretended everything was fine, which was easier with his internet friends than his brother. He kept making excuses for skipping strifes when the real reason was the fear of discovery. He would occasionally game with his brother, but he would wait a few days after the incident so a sudden movement wouldn't reopen the cuts. Despite, or perhaps because of, his precautions, bro was becoming suspicious.

As months passed, the bullies grew tired of pestering someone who had grown so numb to their taunts and it ceased for a few days. Then Dave started seeking out excuses to cut again. He didn't admit it to himself at the time, but he'd grown addicted to it. He felt lonely without the throbbing pain reminding him of his place.

When he took to cutting his thighs and ankles instead of his wrists, he restarted the rooftop strifes with his brother, who seemed relieved. When bro asked, Dave gave him some bullshit excuse about school work. Bro didn't believe it but he didn't pry, believing that everything had returned to normal. But there were new cuts appearing on Dave's legs nightly now, and he'd begun to take a sick pleasure from the pain. He no longer felt too guilty, accepting it as normality.

A year had passed since Dave had first cut and it was still his best-kept secret, only now it was routine.

ΔΔΔ


	2. Recovery

Dave kicked his shoes off at the door and dropped his pack on the couch. "Bro? Are you home?" He grabbed a snack from the kitchen, then grabbed his pack again and went up to his room. He had a test for chemistry the next day which, of course, he'd put off studying for and planned on pulling an all-nighter.

He swung up his bedroom door and his heart dropped. Bro was sitting on his bed, the drawer sitting open. Bro looked up and stood. Dave felt fear swell up in his throat and he contemplated running, but his legs seemed to be paralyzed. Bro slowly walked up to him, his face as expressionless as ever.

Dave opened his mouth to give an excuse, hoping to avoid the worst of the yelling. He'd stopped feeling guilty, yes, but he had never ceased to be scared. He knew that he couldn't tell his bro because he'd lose all trust and respect. He knew that he couldn't let anybody know, because he saw how society treated others like him. He was terrified.

And he was even more surprised when bro pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry, Dave. I didn't realize..." Bro's voice broke, and all of Dave's old fears vanished.

His brother didn't hate him for this. He wasn't angry. He wasn't even disappointed. He was sorry? A lump welled up in Dave's throat and he wrapped his arms around his brother, trying desperately not to cry.

Of course, he failed.

Eventually they sat on Dave's bed and looked at each other. Both pairs of sunglasses had been removed to wipe teary eyes, and now lay on the desk across the room. There was no longer any room for excuses of lies.

"Show me your wrists." Bro said, gently.

Dave complied, showing him the months-old scars. Bro touched them lightly. "Are there others?" He asked, knowing the answer already.

"My legs." Dave replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

"How long?"

"I dunno. Year and a half, maybe."

There was a sharp intake of breath from bro and he pressed his thumb and middle finger to his eyes, nodding. He stayed like that for a moment, and another shot of terror ran through Dave. Had he been too quick in assuming safety?

"When was the last time?" Bro finally broke the silence. Again, he didn't sound angry or disappointed and Dave relaxed slightly.

"Last night."

"Before that?"

"The night before."

"Every night?"

Dave nodded, looking down at his shaking hands.

Another silence.

"I'm sorry." This time it was Dave who broke it.

"I know." Bro replied, taking off his hat. "Me too."

"I didn't mean to at first. It just…. Got out of hand."

"What started it?"

Another lump rising in Dave's throat made it hard to talk, so he just shook his head.

"Was it me?" Bro's voice had dropped to no more than a whisper, but the terror was still evident. Dave looked horrified at the idea.

"No!" He managed. "It wasn't. I mean, you're probably the only reason I... You know, am still here. It was kids at school."

There was the anger Dave had expected, clearly reflected in bro's eyes. Immediately, Dave regretted saying that. Everything his brother had taught him was to shut out assholes and to be better than them, and Dave had so clearly failed.

"I'll fuckin' kill them." Bro growled.

"I didn't… What?" Dave started to defend himself before he realized the full implications of bro's statement. Them, not you.

"Who was it? Give me names." Bro snarled. If looks could kill...

"They've stopped. They stopped a long time ago." Dave said, hurriedly. For a second, he could hardly believe that he was going to their defense, but then he remembered that they were not what this was about. "I wouldn't give them a reaction so they left me alone."

Bro closed his eyes and shook his head. "I should have noticed."

"I hid it pretty well." Dave admitted, daring to glance up at his brother.

"Why did you hide it?" Bro asked, hurt evident in his tone.

Dave quickly dropped his gaze again. "I thought you'd be ashamed." He whispered.

Bro was silent for a moment, then ordered Dave to face him. When his younger brother complied he said, "In all the years that I've been your guardian, I've never once been ashamed of you. And there's nothing that could change that. You're my younger brother. There isn't a moment when I'm not proud of how you've turned out." His voice broke slightly, and Dave was suddenly aware that they were both was crying again. "Not a moment." Bro repeated, then pulled Dave into another hug.

Dave hugged back right away this time, crying into bro's shoulder. Bro rubbed his back and hushed him and promised him that they would get through this. Both of them, together.

ΔΔΔ

Bro threw out the pocket knife, the razor and the box cutter. He made Dave stay in his room that night. Dave thought it was absurd at first, but when the craving hit and he curled up, clawing at his shoulders, his brother was there to pull his hands away and hold them tightly. For the next week, this became routine until Dave slowly got used to the lack of a blade. The next week he was sleeping in his own room again, but bro would keep checking up on him.

Bro cleaned out all the more recent cuts and put vitamin E on all of the scars. As the weeks went pass, the scars slowly shrunk and most of them all but faded. After a month, Dave was able to wear T-shirts again without drawing attention.

He and began having almost daily strifes, which he found helped him a lot. It was hard to crave pain when he was already sore and tired. He didn't tell John, Rose or Jade, but it was only because there was never any reason to, not because he was hiding it.

Bro would give him random checks now and again but there weren't any to find. After a few months had passed, Dave had begun mixing beats to cope with pain. Occasionally, cravings would hit again and there were a few times he almost broke, but he would go to his brother instead. Bro could be in the middle of work but still drop everything to go to Dave when he needed it.

A year passed, and all but seven of the scars had vanished. Dave came home from school that day and opened the door. His bro was sitting there in the living room, three boxes in front of him.

Dave dropped his bag and went to sit across from bro. "What's up with this?" He asked, pointing to the boxes.

Dirk slid them across the coffee table. "For you. For makin' it a year." He stated, pride evident in his tone.

"Dude, seriously?" Dave asked, trying and failing to hold back a smirk.

"Just open them." Bro instructed, chuckling.

Dave shook his head and opened the first box. Inside was an iphone. "Dude! You even got sound mixing apps!" Dave exclaimed, swiping through the screens.

Bro only smirked and pointed to the remaining two. The second held two perfectly made katanas. Dave let out a low whistle, pulling one out of the sheath to examine it. "Holy shit..."

He spent a good five minutes examining the blades before bro reminded him that there was one more box to check. He opened this one, and inside lay two copies of a video game. "SBURB?" Dave asked, lifting it up. "What's the plot?"

"It's hard to tell, but it looked cool." Bro said, reaching over and taking one of the copies. "I figured we could play it together."

ΔΔΔ


	3. Storm

A/N: I suppose I should've mentioned this early, but this AU is simply supposing that the beta kids entered the game a few years after they did in canon. Also, the conversation in this is directly from canon and was written by Andrew Hussie, not me! Also, thank you to those of you who have liked/reviewed this! It is really nice to hear your feedback!

* * *

They never played the game together. Dave started playing with John and the rest thinking that bro could join later. Dave saw his brother two times after he entered the game. The first time, bro cut a fucking comet in half to save Dave from Jack Noir. Dave didn't have a chance to say anything. The second time... Oh God, the second time...

Dave had been exploring the planets with his multiple selves, getting to know every God damned inch of them. Sometimes he hung out with John or Jade of Rose, but he was mostly by himself. He spent a lot of time talking to Terezi, having her help him through the game and giving her tips. He also got on well with her otherwise, and they would talk about a lot. Mostly about stupid things, but she would also tell her about her Matespriteship with Karkat and her Kismesis with Gamzee and Vriska. She'd talk about life on the ship and tell him all about the heinous crimes committed by her dragon plushies and how she'd hung them after gleaning every ounce of information they could offer. Dave enjoyed their talks to the point he started to look forward to seeing that teal text appear in his glasses.

Dave felt bad for playing without bro. He felt bad for losing both copies of the game. He felt bad for not even being able to say a proper thank you for cutting the fucking comet in half. But he pushed those emotions, as well as any others, to the back of his brain, filed under 'Unimportant.' It seemed even the game itself was discouraging him from thinking too hard. His time-travels had taught him nothing if not to trust his gut instincts, and he knew emotions only made it difficult to make split-second decisions.

It was on John's planet. He rounded a corner and his fucking heart stopped. He kept his composure only because of pure shock. No. No, no, no. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. It wasn't. Bro was invincible. He was strong and cool and fast and he must have figured out the cloning shit or _something_ because he wasn't, _couldn't_ be, dead.

He stepped forward and knelt in front of the corpse. Fuck. Don't cry. Don't you dare fucking cry. Don't. Fucking. Cry.

The teal flashed in his glasses, and he answered.

[GC: STR1111111D3R  
TG: oh my fucking god  
GC: WH4T :?  
TG: what do you mean what  
TG: we just got done talking and agreed it would be awesome if you didnt bother me for a while  
TG: you know like while i guess i grieved over this brutally murdered rad family member or something]

Don't let her see you weak. Don't let her see you human.

[GC: OH  
GC: TH4TS R1GHT  
GC: 1 FORGOT!  
TG: it was five seconds ago  
GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T W4S HOURS 4GO FOR M3  
GC: 1 4M 4 L1TTL3 FOGGY ON 4LL OUR CHRONOLOG1ST1C4L SH3N4N1G4NS 4T TH1S PO1NT...  
GC: TH3R3 H4S B33N SO MUCH CR4ZY STUFF GO1NG ON H3R3 1 H4V3 LOST TR4CK!  
TG: so youre officially going nonlinear with me then  
TG: were just forfeiting all rhyme or reason to this unmitigated clusterfuck is that it  
GC: D4V3, YOUR 3NT1R3 3X1ST3NC3 1S NONL1N34R  
GC: DONT B3 SO M3LODR4M4T1C  
TG: whoops ok in the future ill try not to pitch any sort of dramatics while brooding over the cadavers of slaughtered loved ones  
GC: D1D YOU LOV3 H1M D4V3?  
TG: no]

Yes. Yes he did. His brother. His older fucking brother, who had taught him to fight, how to ride a bike, taught him to rap and to mix beats, to have a cut-throat wit and a love for irony. He loved him. He loved him so fucking much.

[GC: BUT H3 W4S YOUR STR4NG3 HUM4N M4N-LUSUS  
GC: WHO T4UGHT YOU TO L1K3 COOL TH1NGS, L1K3 SWORDS 4ND PUPP3TS 4ND MOV1NG R34LLY F4ST!  
GC: HOW COULD YOU NOT?]

Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up.

[TG: puppets arent cool theyre shitty small fake people who haunt your dreams and grin like permanent assholes  
TG: i was making a joke about being all broken up about it  
TG: a guy can be sad and make jokes at the same time  
GC: YOU 4R3 S4D, BUT NOT BROK3N UP 4BOUT 1T?  
GC: 1 DONT UND3RST4ND  
TG: exactly  
GC: BUT YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GR13V1NG!  
TG: i said we agreed youd leave me alone to grieve  
TG: didnt say whether i actually would or actually am  
GC: W3LL, 4R3 YOU?  
TG: i am grieving to the max like a widow on dead husband island  
TG: behind these chill as fuck shades my face is having this crazy attack of the sads  
TG: my rue is fucking bananas cant you tell  
GC: 4RGH NO, 1 C4NT!  
GC: YOU DONT SOUND S1NC3R3, BUT 1TS SO H4RD TO T3LL WH4T L4Y3R OF 1RONY R3MOV3D FROM R34L1TY YOUR FL1PP4NT R3M4RKS 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3  
GC: 1 4M B3TT1NG YOU R34LLY 4R3 S4D NO M4TT3R HOW H1L4R1OUS 4ND 4LOOF YOU TH1NK YOUR3 B31NG]

He was. He was sincere. Or rather, he wanted to be. He wanted to grieve, but he couldn't let them see his weakness. Don't show weakness.

[TG: the truth is a mystery  
TG: tucked behind the pursed lips of a shitty riddler  
TG: they will be loosened only when presented with the conundrous grandeur of rigid insoluble puzzlecock  
GC: BLUH TH4T M4K3S NO S3NS3!  
TG: im sorry you are so flustered by the mere mention of glittering mythical cryptodick it honestly makes me think youre not ready for the truth  
GC: D4V3 YOUR P3RPL3X1NG 3UPH3M1SMS 1NVOLV1NG WH4T 1 PR3SUM3 TO B3 L3WD 4ND V4GU3LY 1NTR1GU1NG PORT1ONS OF HUM4N 4N4TOMY 1 TH1NK 4R3 NOT 4S H1L4R1OUS 4S YOU PROB4BLY B3L13V3  
GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 YOU M4Y B3 4M4Z3D TO L34RN 1 4M NOT TOT4LLY 1N TH3 MOOD FOR YOUR DUMB SM4RT4SSY HORNSWOGGL3RY!  
GC: 1 H4V3 LOTS OF MY OWN PROBL3MS H3R3, 4ND TH3Y 4R3 B1G, B1G PROBL3MS  
GC: SO WHY DONT YOU JUST T3LL M3 WH4T YOU 4R3 TH1NK1NG FOR ONC3?]

Can't have that. He ignored the emotions, pushing through to find something of actual value to say.

[TG: its pretty simple  
TG: im just thinkin about how im gonna take this sword  
GC: Y34H...  
GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT WHY YOU WOULDNT JUST PULL 1T OUT  
TG: filthiest thing you ever said]

He couldn't do it. He wasn't good enough to do that. Only someone truly awesome could do that to bro's corpse. Not Dave.

[GC: HUH :?  
TG: forget it  
TG: pulling swords out of things isnt how i roll  
TG: im not john remember  
GC: 1 4M NOT FOLLOW1NG  
TG: im not a hero  
TG: my bro was  
TG: john is  
TG: im not  
GC: Y3S YOU 4R3!  
TG: no  
GC: Y3S, W3 4LL 4R3  
GC: 1 4M TH3 H3RO OF M1ND  
GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 H3RO OF T1M3  
GC: TH4T 1S WHO W3 W3R3 CR34T3D TO B3  
TG: fine its a title we inherit as phlegm babies or whatever but what have i done to earn it  
TG: pretty much nothing but horsing around through time and swindling retarded alligators out of their life savings  
TG: if that swords coming out of his chest its coming out clean  
TG: taking it vertically means drawing more blood  
TG: but horizontally means a clean break  
TG: check it  
GC: NO, DONT :[ ]

Dave ignored the warning. He stood solemnly and walked backwards. When he hit the edge of the trail, he got a running start and jumped forward. His foot connected with the handle, but instead bro had only ever used the highest-quality swords, and instead of breaking it simply sprung him back again.

He landed heavily a good couple yards away from bro's body and felt tears sting his eyes. Don't get up. Don't move. Don't let her see you weak. Don't show emotion. Emotion is weakness.

Terezi was telling him to get up, but he didn't want to. He wanted to lay here and fucking die right alongside the Goddamned hero who raised him. _Go away. Leave me alone._

But she didn't. She told him about the shit going on up in the ship. Nothing registered with him, though, other than the fact that they were all fucking dead, too. What the fuck was the point of this stupid fucking game? Everyone was fucking dying. Shit...

Conversation drifted, and he became more and more capable of holding his front. And then she logged off and he was left alone, with his dead fucking brother.

Don't cry. They could still see you. You aren't allowed to cry.

He was gone. He was gone and dead and never coming back and oh God, it was all Dave's fault.

Don't you dare cry.

If only Dave had waited. If only Dave had been there a bit earlier. If only Dave had called out to his brother on the comet. If only Dave had stopped him from fighting the guy that had destroyed entire worlds in a matter of minutes. If only, if only, if only. It was his fault.

Quit it. You're not a fucking kid. You're not allowed to cry.

He had to get out of there. He turned on his heels and continued what he was doing, trying to push the image out of his memory. Still it stood front and center, screaming loneliness with every step further away.

Forget it. Move on. Ignore it.

He carried on.

Pretend you are okay, and eventually you will be.

ΔΔΔ


	4. Shattered

AN: Jesus Christ I totally missed a huge chunk of the story! Please forgive me for my unorganized ways, but this /is/ my first story to go up here. Not that that's much of an excuse for being so neglectful as to forget a huge plot point in the story. Aah, forgive me if you follow this, I'll try to get my shit together. .

* * *

Dave was able to push it out of his mind for good for a while, while they all tried to keep themselves alive, in a manner of speaking. He wanted to be the one to destroy the Green Sun, though. The reason he accepted and vocalized was one to keep his other friends safe, but of course in the back of his mind he wanted to die. He wanted to not have to worry about anything anymore. But he hid it in the back of his mind, in one of the dark corners that he never visited. It wasn't relevant to the current situation, so it didn't matter to him.

Then he and Rose hit God Tier and got transported to the meteor and John and Jade got trapped in some weird three-year venture between windows. All the trolls except for Karkat and Terezi and Aradia and Kanaya and Gamzee, but Aradia stayed behind and Gamzee never even showed so it was really only Kanaya and Terezi and Karkat on the ship. They were later joined by the mayor when he was brought back to life.

Dave liked the mayor, and spent a lot of his time in Cantown with Terezi. He spent his days drawing and hanging out with Terezi. He really loved being with her, but Karkat got jealous of them and began following them around. Karkat had taken it hard when Terezi broke it off with him, and seemed to think that she was now screwing around with Dave. It wasn't true, but Dave enjoyed making him think the opposite. He'd sneak Terezi quick kisses on the cheek and make innuendos at every turn. Karkat hated him.

It was easy to keep himself distracted during the day. When he wasn't with Terezi or fighting with Karkat, he would be bugging Rose and Kanaya or making raps in his head or holding conversations with himself. Anything to keep his mind occupied. Before bed every night, he would train for hours. He got acquainted with the limits of his powers, then pushed them. He got to the point where he could do fifty pull-ups and one hundred sit ups, then he'd hit the showers.

The point was to keep himself in shape, and to give himself as little time as possible to be alone with his mind. He knew that if he slowed down now, he'd crash. So he kept pushing, and kept going. Faster, faster, faster...

Most nights, he'd be too tired to dream, but not always. He intentionally picked a room deep in the belly of the meteor for the nights he would wake up screaming, sweating, crying. He would find himself having the same nightmares over and over again. The one with the crows, where they were pecking him to death and every time he died he would be alive again, but it was from the perspective of the crows and each time he'd be a different crow. He'd had that nightmare before the game, but it was different this time. He was the crows and again and again he was killing bro.

It was after one of those dreams that he broke. He grabbed his katana by the blade and dug it into his hands. He was too desperate to care about how noticeable it would be in the morning, or how bad it could be if he lost use of his hand. It didn't matter. He just wanted the pain to anchor himself back to reality.

It worked.

He found himself standing in his bathroom, his blood dripping into the sink. He should get this fixed, but the cut was too deep to just bandage. He'd severed most of the tendons and could only move his thumb without extreme amounts of pain. He thought about waking up Maryam, but discarded the idea. No need to bother her with such stupid things. She'd also ask questions. They'd all ask questions. It didn't matter, though. He'd tell them he'd fallen or messed up while practicing.

The bleeding didn't stop, and he began to get slightly worried. At least if he died, he'd be reborn or whatever. This death would be neither heroic, nor just.

A part of him wished it was.

ΔΔΔ


	5. Crash

AN: I'm sorry! I accidentally posted this chapter last time before I edited it . There aren't too many changes, obviously, but here is the better version. Thank you so much to Bree the Raven, Magic126, Natikan, Homosexual-smuppet-ass, skylarkblue, TastyCannibal, and Gallifreyan Annhialator for liking/following/commenting!

* * *

The next day, Terezi found him passed out on the bathroom floor. She managed to sniff out Kanaya and get her down to heal Dave before anything too bad happened. Kanaya had a bunch of time to figure out her powers and was able to heal Dave mostly. She reconnected the tendons as best she could and got the blood to scab over. At the end, she looked entirely drained.

She left to go recharge herself, and Terezi was left sitting next to Dave's bed. Kanaya hadn't asked too many questions, but Terezi was able to piece together what had happened easily with her expert skills.

Eventually Dave woke up, opening his red eyes confusedly. He closed them almost immediately and flinched. "Fuck." He muttered. The pounding in his head from both blood loss and hitting it as he fell was unbearable.

"Dave?" Terezi said, her usual grin nowhere to be found.

"'Sup?" He replied, wincing at her loud voice.

"What were you doing?" She asked, a hint of anger in her tone.

"Dunno. What happened?"

"I found you passed out on the floor."

"I fell."

"You were bleeding from your hand."

"I cut my hand when I fell."

"Your katana is bloody and nowhere near the bathroom. Don't play stupid with me, mister." There was a vaguely playful hint to her voice as she said the last word, but the mood of the situation made it sound that much sadder.

"Cut my hand. I guess I passed out from blood loss. Could you turn the light off?"

She complied, and he was able to open his eyes again, with a sigh.

"I know about what you went through before, Dave."

"What do you mean?" His voice was even, but his heart sped up. She knew? Of course she did. She had been watching him since he was a fuckin' meteor-baby.

"You know what. You did it on purpose, didn't you?" Her voice was soft and non-judgmental, but he knew that if he admitted it she'd never treat him the same.

"So what?" He asked.

"You miss them?" She asked.

"I'll see John and Jade again soon enough. Doesn't matter." Keep your voice even, he told himself. Don't tear up.

"What about your friends on Earth?"

This surprised Dave to the point where it drew a small chuckle from him. "Friends? Jade, Rose and John were my only Earth friends." It was true. Everybody he met in the real world hated him instantly.

"What about your brother?"

Oh.

He didn't reply.

"Dave? I'm sorry. I just don't want you to get yourself in over your think-pan, as your human metaphor goes."

"Doesn't matter." He replied finally. There was a lump in his throat making talking difficult. "He's dead, it doesn't matter. He would've died one way or another."

That wasn't true. Dave could've helped him out, could've let him join as one of the players rather than a doomed bystander, could've warned him, _something. _It was his fault that his bro was dead. No matter what way he analyzed the situation, there were a million different things he could've done to stop it. He could have even fucked up the time flow and sent a bunch of clones back to fight alongside him and it would have had serious repercussions but at least he'd have his fucking brother.

Terezi touched Dave's good hand softly, and that was all it took. Everything he'd kept bottled up inside himself, letting out only in his subconscious, came pouring forth. Every emotion he'd carefully locked away since the start of the game tore their way out of the cages.

She caught him in her surprisingly strong arms as the first round of sobs broke through.

Dave missed his brother. His brother, who had saved his life countless times and made him everything he was. He wished he could've had a chance to prove to his brother one more time that he wasn't a total failure. It wasn't true, though. He'd fucked up and now bro was dead. Fucking dead and not coming back ever.

Terezi was stroking his back and he was soaking her shirt through with tears.

He missed John. He missed his best friend that he hadn't been able to contact in two and a half years. He missed that stupid dork and he missed Jade and her ridiculously positive outlook on everything and he missed his bro.

She didn't try to get him to talk, she just held him. She whispered things into his hair, but he didn't understand or care what she was saying.

He fucked up and now everyone was dead or trapped half a year away in some alternate-universe limbo shit. He was supposed to be a hero, but he couldn't save anybody. They were all shooting through space on a comet while a crazy-powerful, quarter-mother-lusus, world-destroying psycho may or may not be following them. Rose said she wasn't so sure he was even still alive, but they didn't know. And Jack had still destroyed Derse, Prospit and Skaia in both the troll's session and their own. And if he'd been a better fucking mod and just prototyped something before Bec had been forced to jump in, maybe Jack wouldn't have been created, the trolls would have won. Then their session wouldn't have cancerous or whatever and maybe they would have a better chance of winning.

Thoughts he didn't even know he had were running wild through his brain. He could barely breathe through his tears.

Everything could have been different if he just hadn't been... Well, himself.

Half an hour later, he was asleep again. Terezi stayed by his side the whole time.

ΔΔΔ


	6. Return

AN: I was considering going on a hiatus, but the newest update has given me more to write on! Yay! So I'll have another chapter up soonly, I hope!

* * *

Nobody brought the incident the next day, but Dave could tell it was on all of their minds. Kanaya asked how his hand was once, but that was the closest anybody got to mentioning it. Karkat didn't follow Dave, nor did he try to pick fights with him. Terezi was oddly quiet. Even Rose didn't mention it, but the expression she used to look at him had changed into one of pity. Only the mayor remained unchanged, so Dave spent his time with him that day.

Dave hated how they'd all changed. He hated the pity in their eyes. He didn't need their fucking pity! God damn it, this was why he'd kept it to himself!

In the next few weeks, he spent all his time alone. He converted the room nearest to his, which used to be Sollux's, into a new training room. He padded every inch, and would simply train until he collapsed from exhaustion. When he'd wake up, he'd get food and then go back, ignoring everybody. Even the way they talked to him had changed. Then he'd start over again.

He hated them all. He was now glad that it'd taken John and Jade so long to get to the meteor; he wasn't sure he could take it if John suddenly started treating him like he was a fucking kid. He wanted bro to be there again. He'd know what to do, and he wouldn't patronize Dave. That wasn't going to happen, though, and so Dave found himself working to the point of collapse again and again to keep himself from thinking.

ΔΔΔ

It had been three and a half weeks of non-stop training when Dave had the seizure. He was rather lucky to have it when he did, because Rose was standing right next to him. He'd come up for a meal, and she had decided to approach him about his unhealthy behavior. She'd done it before, but he never seemed to listen. Whether that time would have been any different or not was never to be determined, because as she started talking he fell backwards into her.

Every muscle in his body seemed to be tensed to the point of violently shaking, and his eyes had rolled back into his head. The game had adjusted Rose to remaining calm in high-pressure situations such as this, and she laid him back carefully and called for Kanaya.

His aviators were removed and he was placed on his side until the fits stopped. He lay perfectly still for a moment, and for that moment Rose was afraid he'd passed away. She reached forward to check his pulse just as he rolled over and emptied his stomach. She jerked her hand away quickly, pulling a face, but was really relieved.

Kanaya and Rose carried him to the closest room, which happened to be Rose's, and lay him on the bed where he slept for hours. Kanaya, Rose, and Terezi took turns watching over him and occasionally he would stir, but it was Rose who was sitting beside him when he finally woke up.

"What's your name?" She asked, as soon as she saw his eyes open.

He looked confused for a moment. "Dave."

"Last name?"

This time he had to think for a moment, and when he spoke he sounded as if he had a cotton ball under his tongue. "Strider."

"Birthday?"

Again, he had to think before the answer came to him. "December _."

"Age?"

This time the answer came to him faster. "16."

"Do you know my name?" She barely gave him time to recover from the last question when she fired the next.

"Rose." He replied without hesitation this time, and his mouth sounded slightly less numb.

She continued the line of questioning, checking his pupils for proper dilation and checking almost every muscle in his body until she was satisfied.

"What the hell happened?" He asked, finally able to get his own questions in.

"You had a seizure." She replied, taking his temperature.

"Seriously? Fuck." He sighed. "I'll save you the trouble of asking," he said, seeing her open her mouth again, "No it hasn't happened before."

"You overworked yourself." She said sternly.

"I know. That was sort of the point." He shrugged and looked around, suddenly realizing how naked his face felt. "Where are my Stiller shades?"

She handed them to him from their spot on the desk. "I swear to Cthulu, you are the most infuriating person I've ever had the misfortune to meet." She sighed. "Why would you decide to do that to yourself?"

Dave just shrugged the question off and instead told her, "My head hurts."

"Don't you dare turn the subject on me, Strider." She snapped. Her tone offered no way out. "Do you have any idea how worried I've been about you? Not just me, Terezi, Kanaya, even Karkat! We were seriously about to go down there and stage a full-scale intervention, self-help books and all. You can't just do that to us! First you slice your fucking hand open, then you disappear for days, only to ignore us when you finally come out? Why would you think that's okay?! Despite what you may think about yourself, you deserve to be taken care of just as much as anybody else, if not more so! Jegus Christ, I will tie you down to a bed and feed you through a tube if you try anything like that again."

Dave listened to each word, shame boiling up in his chest. His expression remained neutral and almost un-caring, but he felt truly bad. Rose was right, he had fucked up and he truly felt bad about it even if he didn't show it outwardly.

When she finished, he just nodded. That was all it took for her to understand that he was sorry, and that he would fix it. She knew her etco-brother's reactions like the back of her hand, even if she couldn't begin to understand what was going on in that crazy mind of his.

What was, in fact, going on in Dave's crazy mind was the re-evaluation of the importance of each thought in his head. He filed them into their respective places carefully, reorganizing them to a more appropriate level. Emotions were shoved away into the dark, unvisited recesses again, and logic reasserted itself as the driving force.

ΔΔΔ


	7. Release

AN: Hello! It seems the next chapter will take a while to get to, considering how the updates are going, but here have some Dave&Karkat being pals! This is a sort of long chapter and it just sort of ends, but hey, there will be more. I pinky promise! Also, you should totally review it and tell me if there's any suggestions you have to make this shit better! :33

* * *

As Dave tried to shift back into his old routine, he found that in the past month Terezi had started a Kismesis with Gamzee. When he asked her about it, she tried to skirt around the topic. He knew it wasn't any of his business and that he had no place to tell what and what not to do. When he told her that, she admitted to everything and said she wasn't guilty about it so much as that she didn't want to hurt Karkat.

Dave understood that, but he made sure she knew he wouldn't be any part of it. From then on, she spent most of her time with Gamzee, and Dave had to find a new way of entertainment, which came from Karkat. In the past years, their relationship had gone from antagonistic on Dave's part to a mutual semi-friendship, and in the next month and a half they started spending more and more time with each other. Karkat had even come up with the absolutely brilliant idea of personalized walkie-talkie type instruments to attach to their wrists.

Rose and Kanaya had become matesprites, but the former had also succumbed to alcoholism. Terezi was rarely ever around unless one considered passed out on the floor or nursing a sugar-induced hangover. Dave had only seen Gamzee once, and it had only been a glimpse in a dark hallway. It was fair to assume that even Karkat had seen little more of either of the other trolls, since Gamzee and Terezi had long since ended their moirailegiance with Karkat.

Dave and Karkat quickly found they had a lot more in common than they originally thought. They had such similar interests, fears, and even their thought processes matched. They'd spend hours together each day just talking and laughing. Sometimes they'd go on adventures through the belly of the meteor, using their walkie-talkies to communicate their finds, which seemed to change even if nobody had touched it. It was almost spooky, but it was eventually just accepted as one of the many oddities that were considered usual.

They would sometimes stay the night in different places together, building stupid-looking forts out of whatever was handy then talking and laughing until they fell asleep. Dave's nightmares returned one such night, but Karkat didn't question it. He just woke Dave up and told him it was okay until it actually was.

The biggest difference between them was that Karkat vocalized his fears and worries, while Dave would just play it cool. Even so, the troll understood that Dave felt the same. Karkat talked about his own nightmares, based mostly around the time he'd fallen asleep while his old session was still active but his dream-self was dead, or the night that Gamzee had killed everyone. He talked about how much he missed his friends and his lusus, and how he felt bad that they were all dead. He blamed himself, too. He talked about how he was scared that he'd mess up the new session and, now that it was in sight, he was bitterly aware of how unprepared they were. He talked about how he was sad that Terezi had changed so much and that Gamzee had broken of their moirailegiance and that Kanaya was never around anymore and that Aradia had to be left behind.

Dave would listen and reply when he saw fit, never confirming nor denying that he felt the same. Karkat understood that he did, though, and didn't press it. He had become so familiar with the way Dave's mind worked that a lot of things between them didn't even need saying.

They even talked about their lives back on Alternia and Earth, respectively. Although Karkat had seen bits of Dave's life through his husktop, he'd mostly been wrapped up in John due to Egbert's apparent leadership. Karkat told Dave about being a lowblood in such a violently judgmental society, which Dave found oddly fascinating. The human asked questions about the other trolls and their lives, which Karkat answered to his best knowledge. In turn, Dave would answer Karkat's questions about life as a human on planet Earth.

Dave could relate to Karkat's concerns for Terezi's sudden interest in Faygo consumption, because Rose had taken up heavy alcohol consumption and was in no shape to be facing Lord English, as they planned to in a few months time. Frankly, only Karkat and Dave were prepared for the encounter out of the meteorstuck crew because they spent so much of their time fighting. Sometimes it was an impromptu brawl spawned by a stray home-hitting insult, but mostly it was for training. They took to fighting for two hours every day (or what they estimated was a day) to perfect their weapon-use and their game-given powers.

Even with Karkat's friendship, Dave felt lonely sometimes. He missed John and Jade, who were both been out of contact for almost three years, and Rose and Terezi who had fallen into the bottle. And he missed his bro. Even though he didn't say anything about it, he knew Karkat could sense this. Every so often, when Dave was off by himself and his mind began to wander to memories he'd rather not touch, Karkat would appear out of seemingly nowhere. Dave suspected it might have something to do with his status as Prince of Blood, but Karkat had a way of sensing when and where someone who needed comfort would be and he would sit with Dave. They would be perfectly silent, but just the presence of a friend was enough for Dave.

Among the extensive list of things Karkat hated, up there with human romance and himself, was how Dave repressed his emotions. The troll often likened it to his troll RomComs, (though Dave would tune out when the particular films were being named) and said that in the end Dave would have to face 'his true feelings' whether he wanted to or not. Dave would reply with his usual sarcasm, but he knew Karkat was at least partially right; he just figured he would put it off until the situation was more appropriate.


	8. (Sorry, y'all -TZ)

A/N: I suppose I'm putting this story on hiatus along with HS. I really was hoping to get this done soon, but my love for canon appears to be incredibly inhibiting /le sign.

Sorry you guys, and I'll get it updated when I can!


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